i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
