Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
