I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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