I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
