I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
