Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My breasts were aching with rage.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
