new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
