I think my vagina is haunted
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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