I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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