i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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