shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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