I wanna passion pit in your ass
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
