You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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