I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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