I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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