this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
