sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Text me some of your sweat
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
