Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
