pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
