I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
