I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
