She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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