There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
