Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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