I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
