He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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