I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
