My nipple is on Facebook.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
