You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
