I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
