So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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