Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Randomize
