Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
