im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
