I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
