Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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