i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
