just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
