I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
