I need to stop coming to work sober
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
