Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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