I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
