Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
