After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
