What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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