I look better un-naked...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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