Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
