I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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