yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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