I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
