fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
