I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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