Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
