Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
