this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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