Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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